For far too long we’ve allowed the miserabilists and misanthropes to dictate the agenda about the Moral Maze, Radio 4’s vibrant interrogation of stuff that’s in the news at the moment. They argue that this pivotal mid-evening strand has been colonized by members of the Stepfuredi Wives, who relentlessly plug their Master’s agenda to the public while pretending not to know each other. To refute this canard, the Stepfuredi Wives herewith publish a transcript of the latest programme.
Michael Buerk: Good evening and welcome to the Moral Maze. Our topic tonight is whether it can be right for arms manufacturers to make advanced chemical, biological and nuclear weaponry available on the open market. Anthrax on sale at Aldi. Nerve-gas in a neighbourhood dispute. H-bombs at the next Manchester derby. Libertarianism gone mad? Or praiseworthy celebration of human autonomy and free will? Our panel: Claire FitzFuredi, Director of the Institute of Ideas; the science historian Kenan bin Furedi; Brendan O’Furedi of the Telegraph; and Mick McFuredi of the Times. Claire, your thoughts before we speak to our first guest?
Claire FitzFuredi: I just think it’s not just necessary but essential, in a very deep and very real sense, that we stop treating people like kids and trust them to act like grown-ups and take control of their own lives. The precautionary principle is stifling innovation and social experimentation. Let’s celebrate human autonomy and free will as they should be celebrated. If people feel the need for nukes and nerve-gas, the nanny-state should get the hell out of the way, in my opinion.
Michael Buerk: Kenan?
Kenan bin Furedi: Well, I’m going to have to disagree with Clara–
Michael Buerk: Claire.
Kenan bin Furedi: Sorry. I’m going to have to disagree with Claire. The precautionary principle isn’t simply stifling innovation and social experiment, it’s strangling them at birth. Which is a bad thing. The only thing that should be strangled at birth is real babies, if the mother so chooses. My vision for society is simple: no stop-signs, speed limits, nobody’s gonna slow us down. So, yes, nukes and nerve-gas, let’s have them on sale everywhere, as soon as possible.
Michael Buerk: Brendan?
Brendan O’Furedi: As Kevin–
Michael Buerk: Kenan.
Brendan O’Furedi: Sorry. As Kenan says, the precautionary principle has to be put aside, but I’ll have to disagree with him on the open sale of nukes and nerve-gas. I think we should prioritize their sale to schoolchildren, before we institute a roll-out to the wider population. We should stop treating children like children for no better reason than that they’re children. Education builds our future society, and where better to start than with the kids?
Michael Buerk: Mick?
Mick McFuredi: If the three previous speakers will forgive me, I detect a distinct lack of ambition in their proposals. Nukes and nerve-gas were all very well in the twentieth century, but this is 2012. I want bigger and better, and I want it now. Asteroid-bombs, artificial black-holes, sun-snuffers – the sky, literally, is the limit. Let’s deploy some weaponry that’ll really make the universe sit up, take notice, and beg for fucking mercy!
Michael Buerk: Interesting thoughts from the panel there. Now, our first guest is Dr Frank Furedi, Professor of Sociology at the University of Kent and author of Nuke the Nanny-State: Why We Must Smash the Precautionary Principle with Hi-Tech Weaponry A.S.A.P.. Kenan, your witness.
Kenan bin Furedi: Good evening, Professor Farley–
Michael Buerk: Furedi.
Kenan bin Furedi: Sorry. Now, Professor Furedi, I pride myself on shooting from the hip and taking no prisoners. So I have to ask: would you, or would you not, like a blow-job?
Prof. Frank Furedi: Certainly.
[Sound of Kenan bin Furedi leaving his seat, Prof. Furedi’s trousers being unzipped, etc.]
Michael Buerk: Claire?
Claire FitzFuredi: Professor Faraday–
Michael Buerk: Furedi.
Claire FitzFuredi: Professor Furedi, I’m not going to beat around the bush, so I’ll put it to you straight – and please, let’s stick to the agenda, so a simple yes or no will suffice – can I be next?
Prof. Frank Furedi: Yes.
Michael Buerk: Brendan?
Brendan O’Furedi: Professor Finchley, I’d like–
Michael Buerk: Furedi.
Brendan O’Furedi: Sorry, Furedi. Professor, I’d like, if I may, to raise the possibility of my tickling your balls and giving you a rim-job while Karen–
Michael Buerk: Are you confusing Claire with Kenan? Kenan is on his knees in front of Professor Furedi at the moment. Claire will be next.
Brendan O’Furedi: My bad. Professor, can I tickle your balls and so on when Claire is at work?
Prof. Frank Furedi: It’s very good of you to offer. I’m happy to accept.
Michael Buerk: Mick?
Mick McFuredi: And can Professor Ferenghi–
Michael Buerk: Furedi.
Mick McFuredi: Furedi, sorry. Can Professor Furedi see his way clear to, in its simplest possible terms, abusing my worthless whore’s carcass in any way he sees fit?
Prof. Frank Furedi: Any way at all?
Mick McFuredi: Any at all.
Prof. Frank Furedi: I’d be delighted.
etc
Issued by the Stepfuredi Wives on behalf of the Stepfuredi Wives.
Frankly, Mr Furedi 